My Year of Professional Envy Case File #1

In case you hadn't noticed, *bitter defeat* has basically become a fansite dedicated to chronicling the brilliance of The A.V. Club. So why fight it? Nathan Rabin's frequently brilliant "My Year of Flops" feature has plenty of highlights, but I think I just found the funniest paragraph I've read all year:

Perhaps [The Exorcist II: The Heretic’s] central miscalculation, beyond not making much sense and being crazier than 2Pac in that flick called Juice, is expecting audiences to fear a villain named “Pazuzu”. Now Pazuzu is an actual figure from Assyrian and Babylonian mythology and figures prominently in Blatty’s novel, but that doesn’t make his name any less ridiculous. No matter how scary the film makes him out to be, “Pazuzu” still sounds like a zany sound effect a slide whistle might make or a baggy-pants vaudevillian’s catchphrase. How frightening would Silence of the Lambs be if Hannibal Lector’s name was changed to Schnitzie Pretzelpants?

Sure writing about movie flops is the comic equivalent of playing dodgeball against quadriplegics, but who cares?

Anyway... that's it. More people needed to read that paragraph. Here's the full post.

Random Friday Headcold Meanderings

Fuck structure. Structure is for Nazis.

Watch Dougal Wilson's video reel over at Colonel Blimp.

"...and every piece will say I love you."

In the tradition of Kill Your Idols, the Guardian UK dropped this article, in which musicians talk about "classic" albums that they just don't care for. Joy Division/New Order bassist Peter Hook dissing my personal most-hated-classic, Captain Beefheart's unlistenable "masterpiece" Trout Mask Replica is a highlight. In fact, even the negative assessments of albums I absolutely love made some great points. The only false notes are a) the dude from Cornershop's take on Dark Side of the Moon, which features an uninspired comparison between Floyd and Radiohead (Gee, what an original insight!), and b) the inclusion of a pair of decidedly non-classic albums: 2Pac's All Eyez on Me and Arcade Fire's two-week-old Neon Bible.

And now... CAPSULE MOVIE REVIEWS

Severance: Very good
Ocean's 13: Pretty good
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: Advance screening line was too long and full of annoying-looking 12-year-olds, so we went to Wendy's instead. But it looks pretty bad.
Knocked Up: Amazing even in the face of stratospheric expectations.
Spider-Man 3: An unbearable piece of shit.
28 Weeks Later: Scarier than the first one.
Hot Fuzz: Disappointing in the face of stratospheric expectations.

Have a nice weekend.

Out Sick

Ain't this a bitch?

Shameless Self-Promotion: AOL Music's "The 77 Most Unforgettable Movie Songs"

Yes, it's true. Whenever possible I utilize my severe, crippling listmania to generate sweet, sweet corporate paychecks. In this case, as a contributor to AOL Music's "The 77 Most Unforgettable Movie Songs." Before submitting questions about the feature, please refer to the Frequently Asked Questions section below.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. Why 77?
A. I have absolutely no idea.

Q. Are all of the selections really unforgettable?
A. No. Some, in fact, are almost criminally forgettable. Good examples are Seal's "Kiss from a Rose" (from one of the Batman films) and Chad Kroeger's "Hero" (from one of the Spider-Man films).

Q. Isn't this similar to a certain other list you did?
A. To a degree, yes, but let's call this the version your parents could read and, for the most part, appreciate.

Q. Why aren't there any musicals on this list?
A. Because then it would likely have been called "The 777 Most Unforgettable Movie Songs" and I would be working on it for the rest of my life. And my fellow contributors and I would be forced to watch musicals. Neither of these sitiations would have been justified by my nominal freelance fee.

Q. Why isn't "As Time Goes By" from Casablanca on the list?
A. Because we fucking forgot, okay? Basides, the oldest person working on this thing was born in roughly 1971, so we really should have just started the list then.

Well now that you've been armed with the inside scoop, you're ready to head on over to AOL Music and enjoy the article. Please enjoy it frequently, and be sure to click on as many links as possible. That way AOL will continue to generate revenue, and I can continue to supplement my meager income. Thank you, and God bless.

In other news...

Dip your toes into the deep waters of The Legion of Rock. Many of the clips (especially this one and this one) will make you laugh until you bleed internally.

They are making a live-action Thundercats movie.

This video is amazing. It also makes me want to play dominoes.

And, finally, I received my special code today via e-mail. This means I am only ONE STEP AWAY FROM MY FREE OZZFEST TICKET!!! HAIL SATAN!!!

The Triumphant Return ofANDY KEATON'S FRIDAY VIDEO CORNER!!

Despite his recent legal troubles (oh, and these as well), the youngest member of TV's beloved Keaton family is out on bail and just itching to share some steaming piles of video hottness with you, his supportive public. Now stop staring at the mug shot and pay attention!

**What could be better than the Groovie Goolies cartoons, you ask. How about the Groovie Goolies EN ESPAÑOL? ¡Bienvenidos al SALON DEL HORROR!

**Most of you were around Ricky's age when you watched the Groovie Goolies Show. You know Ricky, don't you? And I'll bet you spent most of your time doing exactly what Ricky likes to do.

**Just be careful. According to many esteemed members of the clergy, that's exactly the kind of behavior that can lead you down the wrong path. (Which is only slightly less homoerotic than this.)

**Speaking of athletics, the only thing more amazing than last night's LeBron James performance is the TNT Halftime Show cast. Just look at how much fun these guys are having...

(Talk about mixed emotions: I'm loving the prospect of the Cavaliers beating the Pistons, but I'm forced to acknowledge the fact that the Cavs have no shot in the finals against the San Antonio Spurs. So do I root for the more fun team now, or the team with a more realistic chance of beating the most unbearable team ever?)

Special thanks to Andy Keaton for putting on a brave face. Let's hope he remains a free man so we can see more of him in the future.

Have a great weekend!